The Book Zapper 9000

Definition:
A high-voltage literary deterrent originally marketed for nerd protection, the Book Zapper 9000™ is a hardcover defensive system capable of delivering 50,000 volts of corrective enlightenment per page turn. Designed to combine the moral authority of a classic novel with the stopping power of an electric fence.

Original Market Purpose:
Conceived in the late 2020s by rogue Saskatchewan librarians, the BZ9000 was intended to keep school bullies at bay. Equipped with a taser-spine and conductive bookmarks, it allowed socially awkward teens to stun aggressors mid-insult while quoting Lord of the Rings.
Marketing slogan:

“Defend your chapter. Shock your enemies.”

Government Position:
Despite being no more harmful than a static zap from a winter sweater, officials insist the Book Zapper 9000™ poses “a clear and present danger” to Canadian safety — and, potentially, to political stability.

Product Placement Controversy:
Critics note that the covers displayed during the official ban announcement were not generic safety warnings but deliberate product placements — each jacket “tailor-made” to fit specific literary titles. Early examples included electrified dust jackets for Tom Sawyer, Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea, Pride and Prejudice, and several modern bestsellers. The idea was to merge defensive capability with cultural nostalgia — so readers could fend off muggers while finishing The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

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CBC News Special Report — Live from Parliament Hill

[Camera pans to Public Safety Minister Marco Mendicino at an outdoor podium, with Parliament’s Peace Tower looming behind him. He is flanked by two armed RCMP officers and a display table lined with copies of The Book Zapper 9000™.]

Mendicino:

“Good morning. Today, the Government of Canada is taking decisive action to protect the public from a clear and present danger — the Book Zapper 9000™.

This so-called ‘reading device’ has the potential for torture, murder, or accidental electrocution. While some may downplay its capacity, we cannot ignore the risks. Yes, the voltage… barely shocks insects… [mumbles quickly, eyes down at notes] but that is beside the point.”

Reporter #1:

“Minister, are you saying all books are dangerous?”

Mendicino:

“Let’s not play word games here. The Book Zapper 9000™ is the immediate threat, but we must also acknowledge the broader issue: books, by their nature, can be used to harm. A hardcover can cause blunt force trauma, a poorly timed reading can provoke emotional distress, and in the wrong hands — even without electricity — a book can be weaponized.”

Reporter #2:

“So this is a book ban?”

Mendicino:

“No, no, no — this is a book safety initiative. Canadians will still have access to approved reading material — works with no hazardous voltage, sharp corners, or subversive footnotes. We are not banning books. We are ensuring that books are… safe.”

Reporter #3:

“Isn’t the Book Zapper just a novelty self-defense item for nerds?”

Mendicino:

“Nerds, birdwatchers, book clubs, wedding officiants — it doesn’t matter. This is about preventing tragedy. Imagine a public library where a child accidentally flips to the wrong page and — zap — that’s a trip to the ER. Even if the Book Zapper 9000™ can barely ruffle a mosquito, the potential for escalation is real.”

Reporter #4:

“Critics say the ban is politically motivated, since the Book Zapper’s most popular title is A Satirist’s Guide to Canadian Government.”

Mendicino:

“That’s pure coincidence. And for the record, that particular title was already out of circulation… because it posed a clear danger to the integrity of our political discourse.”

Mendicino (closing statement):

“The ban will take effect at midnight on Canada Day morning. Anyone found in possession after that time will face up to 10 years imprisonment, a $5,000,000 fine, or both, depending on circumstances. We feel it is fitting to mark our nation’s birthday by ensuring Canadians can celebrate without the threat of electrified literature.”

[Camera cuts to a librarian in rubber gloves dropping a Book Zapper 9000™: Collector’s Edition into the recycling bin. A tiny spark jumps, startling one of the RCMP officers. The librarian mutters, ‘That wouldn’t even kill a fruit fly.’]

CBC Anchor:

“That was Public Safety Minister Marco Mendicino, announcing a Canada-wide ban on the Book Zapper 9000™. The ban begins at midnight on Canada Day morning. Canadians are urged to turn in their copies voluntarily — or face the consequences.”

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Side Note:
The Book Zapper 9000™ is merely the latest addition to Canada’s roster of prohibited “dangerous” items — a list that already includes the butterfly knife and the nunchaku. The former is dismissed by almost all independent knife experts as slow, mechanically fussy, and prone to malfunction compared to simpler, faster-opening knives that remain perfectly legal. The latter, immortalized in martial arts movies, is statistically more likely to bruise its wielder than the intended target. Both remain prohibited on the grounds that they “look dangerous” — the same logic now applied to a novelty taser-book whose deadliest feature is a plot twist.